The topic today is Grace. A concept that I understand intellectually. I can spout off to you why grace is different from mercy, how we are saved by grace and not by our own efforts [please see Romans], heck, I even went to a school named after this concept. How is it then that when I look back at my life I see a pattern of continual striving? Somewhere along the line, I missed the point.
As I sat in Cafe Taza today mulling over my thoughts with help from Sarah Young [Jesus Lives] and a vanilla latte, I began to realize how I have allowed fear to distort my view of grace and the Savior who died to give it to us. I allowed my thoughts to follow the path of this idea and it led me to Jr. High. I quickly retreated thinking, "This is a horrible place, why did you lead me back here brain?" but then something other than the electrical impulses of my mind was gently tugging me back to the repressed memories of my tweens. I supposed rightly that this was the Holy Spirit. With this knowledge I allowed myself to be pulled back to 6th grade Rachel--brave, fun, a little weird, but unaware. Then something happened. Expectations started to arise from her peers. Lies started to be spun in her head, and words from others experiencing the same insecurities began to affirm these lies. Suddenly, she felt inadequate. Bravado gone, this once bold, brassy girl turned timid and awkward, perpetually embarrassed and a new word was introduced into her vocabulary: strive. Strive to be pretty, strive to impress, strive to be funny, strive to get that boy's attention, strive to receive the love of "friends" strive to make fun of that teacher, strive, try, earn. There is no one who will accept you for who you are. It was a different kind of innocence lost. It was the loss of a heavenly identity.
It's crazy to me how something that happened so long ago can influence me today. I try to cover these scars in me with words like "oh, I am a perfectionist" or "I just want people to know that I am nice" and even "I just want everyone to like me." The truth is I am filled with pride. Not the" I think I am blatantly better than everyone and everything" pride, but the hidden "I am consumed with my actions and words and thoughts and the opinions of those around me about me, so really, I do think I am more important than everyone, but I just can't admit it to myself"...that kind of pride. Huh...so listening to lies about myself way back when not only distorted my view of grace and God, heaped insecurities upon my head, and gave me a perfectionist complex, but it also gave me pride??? Well...that sucks.
So where does pride connect to fear which connects back to grace? And how has this Jr. high girl still lived inside of me for so long? My pride turned into a shield around me--protecting me, but cutting me off from God and from the plan I was created for. It also began slamming down in front of friends and family--trying to protect a fearful heart from pain, while causing it all the same. Pride is what keeps me from admitting that still today, I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not worthy, for love, friendship, relationships, God's plan...anything. I am afraid that what others think really does dictate who I am, and I am afraid that my fear will eventually paralyze me. And this fear cloaks the all important grace. Grace that came and saw a scared, style-inept Jr. High girl and said, "I choose you." Grace that says, "I am sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," and I in response shall say, "I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me!" [2 Cor. 12:9]
I think about 10 years of striving is enough for anyone, and I am pretty much done. Instead I will allow my God to meet all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus [Phil. 4:19] And if my God says that I need not strive for His affections, what one earth am I doing striving after the affections of people? I mean, really? So the next time I meet someone, you can expect my thought process to be:
"My name is Rachel. I am a daughter of the King. How can I show my Father's love to you?"
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